Keep rollin' rollin' rollin' into game week 5. Happy Friday y'all! The buzz is buzzin 🐝🐝🐝🐝 , and boy am I almost as excited as an Arsenal fan who just tied a game to bring you this week's recap. I woulda gotten this out sooner, but I'm dealing with a cuteness distraction unlikely anything I've ever seen. Yes Mr. Antoine has been on top of his game, but we persist this fine Friday night. 😻
We saw drama 🎭, we saw pain 😩, and the world stood still as Arsenal mounted what will likely go down as the greatest comeback in premier league history 💪 . Yes, it was a game week for the ages, so let's see how everyone's favorite teams did!
Liverpool (2) - Everton (1)
I don't know why they been lying but Liverpool's Ws are not that inspiring 😒. That being said, Gravenberch is playing lights out for the Reds to start the season, one of those grinders that helps keep Liverpool in control. Bagged himself a quality goal on the one time flick. Top it off with an Ekitike goal, nothing flashy, a real strikers finish, and Liverpool set themselves up for the W. A Gueye goal made things interesting, but ultimately was futile as Satanpool snagged another W 👿 On paper, all signs point to Liverpool being a well-armed fortress, poised to keep up this run of form. However, I think there is trouble brewing for this overrated squad.
Exhibit A: In what should have been a commanding W against 19th in the Championship team Southampton, Liverpool was fighting for their lives to scrape a W. As we approached the 90th, Ekitike managed to put one away, and celebrated like he had just scored the CL winner. He proceeded to take off his Jersey and show his name to the crowd, seemingly to remind said 19th place in the Championship team Southamptons fans who he was. This earned him his second yellow, and a subsequent suspension. While just one player's actions, I think it's indicative a club who thinks it's bigger than it is. A club of Satanic hubris destined to fall from the heavens just like Lucifer himself did.
Exhibit B: and possibly more sinister, we have a club who clearly wants some of its players to walk alone. When super secret spy 007 Florian Wirtz went to open his EAFC rating card, expecting his boys to hype him up, he was met with jealously and ridicule from Szoboszlai and Niall's least favorite player Curtis 💅. Sure, we all know Wirtz is ass, but you'd think his boys would have his back. Throw in locker room morale killer Isak, and I think when the luck runs out we'll see a meltdown unlike any other, and I for one cannot wait. This is a team who barely supports each other when they're up, I can only imagine what will happen when the downfall happens. 🙏🙏🙏
Sometimes your dawgs really be your snakes, 🐍 I'm sorry Florian you deserve better.
But enough about Liverpool, let's talk about Spurs! The Brennan Johnson dream is over, and it's time to move on. After going down two very quickly thanks to Minteh and Ayari, the Mighty Spurs fought their way back with the help of Richarligoat and a little OG magic, they managed to salvage the point and continue their top 4 campaign. I expect a big bounceback against the terrible stinky Wolves. Hopefully big goals for Romero and Kudus.
Burnley (1) - Nott'm Forest (1)
Forest - still mid and Wood is washed. Hats off to the Neco Williams starters, Jaidon Anthony looking quite shabby as well! 1-1 to another mid off.
West Ham (1) - Crystal Palace (2)
I gotta say, I like the grit on this Palace team. Guehi is a true leader, and the backbone of this team. As long as he's in the line up, I expect Palace to compete. Great goals from Mateta and Mitchell outshined Alea's favorite player, and West Ham inched one step closer to relegation while Palace officially hit the top 5 even without Eze and Olise.
Nice to see Calvert-Lewin still on his game. A goal from him, Stach, and Okafor topped Krejci and the Wolves after what looked like a good start. Rather irrelevant game.
The MHGOTW did not disappoint, and the buzz meter was off the charts in the chat 🐝📈 . Things went south immediately for the Blues as Robert Sanchez pulled an absolute BONEHEADED play and got a red card in the 5th min, what an idiot!!😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This put Chelsea on the back foot rest of the game, and they just don't have the quality to recover. Two goals from club legends Bruno and Casemiro, and a futile resurgence effort (despite a tasteful Casemiro red) from Chalobah ended the game 2-1. Adding insult to injury, Cold Palmer appears to have picked up a knock, will we ever see him return to form? Or are Chelsea doomed to become the next Man U? Hats off to the Man U Boys, I know they needed this one more than anyone else. Say what you will, but the Man U boys (minus Maclane who always just tacks on at the end when things are up) always show up to the fight win or lose, while the Chelsea boys tune out a cower away like meerkats when the lions draw near 🦁.
Fulham (3) - Brentford (1)
Fulham may be even peskier than these bees! Goals for Iwobi and Harry Wilson, as well as a Pinnock OG was too much for Damsgaard and the Bees who will live to sting another day.
Bournemouth (0) - Newcastle (0)
Drawcastle Draws again, shocker. This team is in desperate need of a healthy Wissa, and for the German Giant to hit form if they want any shot at top 6. Truly the embodiment of mid, still is funny to watch Beef act like they're good absolutely cannot WAIT for their game against Athletic Club for them to go 0-3 v La Liga lmaooooooo😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Sunderland (1) - Aston Villa (1)
Would you believe it if I told you Sunderland were ahead of Man City, Man U, AND Midcastle? Well maybe the last one is believable but this has been a dream start for the newly promoted team as they stand 7th overall. Sad to see my boy Reinildo get a red, but good on them for keeping the tie and earning a point. Goals for Isidor and Poland legend Matty Cash
Arsenal (1 unbelievable, world stopping goal of the century) - Man City (1)
Down 1-0, all hopes were gone. The sun was setting, and the world was ending. The rapture was setting in 😱 It was gameweek 5, and number 2 Arsenal were losing 1-0 at home to currently 9th Man City. Erling Haaland bagged a class goal as he does and time and space stopped all together. Everyone wrote them off, the world turned its back to say one last goodbye and welcome death's cold embrace as the lead was surely insurmountable. Tick..Tick..Tick..life's hourglass began to wither⌛️seemingly in slow motion as we approached stoppage time. Having already fallen to Liverpool this season, it was now or never...when suddenly...
TO EVERYONE'S SHOCK, MARTINELLI DOES IT!!!! HE CHIPS DONNARRUMA TO SAVE THE ENTIRE WORLD FROM EXTINCTION!!! THE CROWD GOES WILD, THIS IS WHAT WE BUILT THE EMIRATES FOR!!! NIGHTS LIKE THIS WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. ARSENAL ARE NO LONGER BOTTLERS!! ALL WRONGS HAVE BEEN MADE RIGHT!!!! YAAAAY ARSENAL!!!🤯🤯🤯
Excuse me, Scott/Timo/Roldan stole the computer. I'm so tired of this corny ass team and corny ass Arteta man. I mean look at this shit, ridiculous. Always a small club who under no merits think they are the best to grace the pitch. Like Liverpool without the accolades. SMH. 🤡
Truly no shame, I can't wait to annihilate them in the CL in their own home.
Boneheaded Plays of the Week
This one is simple, the Loser Chelsea Boys take two of the three spots!! (Suck it Gavin, you caught me at a bad time during the writing of this articule)
HM: The Isak Captainers 😂, nice 2pts
3. Cold Palmer Truthers, let's face it - Man City gets laughed at a lot, but they may have been right to give up on this project as his mini Purple patch has come to a clear end after he partied with Trumpy after the CWC. A team with unlimited pockets but no identity putting their eggs in the basket of a man who shows up just enough to burn you time and time again. 🥶
2. The Haaland doubters - I don't care how many times I gotta say it. You will be competing for buying a jersey if you don't get this man on your team ASAP!! ⚔️
1. Sanchez Starters - a 5th min red and incoming suspension, hope y'all have a back up ready or some spare transfers lmaoooooo! 🟥
Boehleybot3000 - 78 Pts
Biiiiiiig Sigh...Congrats to Mr. Gavin Oliver!!!! Not beating the FPL Pro Tips subscription, ChatGPT + Reddit plagiarism rumors yet, we still gotta hand it to the G Man. Pope, Guehi, and Chalobah put in work for the man, while all of his mid fielders played a strong part - ringing in 26 total pts across the four. Throw in an in-form Richarlison and a Haaland captain, and voila: you have our Top Dawg. Hoping the grand honor helps ice the pain of losing to Man U, nerd! 🤓
Gavin has set himself up for success in the early window, and will look to maintain his position up at our #1 spot to earn the coveted prize and jersey. Take bow, at least until the investigation concludes.
Change Name - 27 pts
I swear it just gets mustier and mustier each game week. And Matt Dlugopolski may have falling victim to the auto-pilot, forget to set team name and team line up, to buying a jersey pipeline our dear friend Sean Grady helped pioneer. Haaland captainers alone rivaled this mans total score, the worst part? Every single player he started played lmaoooooo!!! That's right, here's a quick math equation: Cucu Cucurella's goose egg 🥚 + 4 + 1 + 2 + 5 +2 + 1 + a 2 from captain ISuck + 2 + 2 = 27 and that is just awful! Better luck next week Matt D, I honestly don't see how it could get worse!
AAAAAND THAT'S IT FOR GW5, thanks for your patience, see ya tomorrow morning for some more epic action!!
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