GW3: Ain't That A Kick In The Head? 🦶💥😵

What's up everyone?? Happy belated bday to former commissioner, Niall!🎉🎉🎉 42 years young!👴🏻

Anyway, I hope you all are having a nice day off today, but who says you can't get a lil work done on Labor Day?🤷 I know I know, some of you may be like "Commisioner, you're too quick, you're too good to us, please slow down with your timely recaps!" But that's right, Commish has a biiiiig destination wedding to attend this week 🇲🇽 and today is the day where the conditions are just right. Plants watered, laundry in motion, Celsius cracked open, granola bar consumed, so let's get riiiight into it for another craaaazy gameweek! THIS IS...THE GAMEWEEK 3 recap. Time is flying by ALREADY!

Week in Review

Liverpool (2) vs. Ipswich (0)

Leave it to Isak to show up in his biggest game for Liverpool against newly promoted, soon to be already relegated Ipswich who just got absolutely BATTERED by Bruno and Man U gang. Goals in the 6th an 9th min settled this one (on a pair of nice Gakpo assists I will say) early as Ipswich decided to play some goalie they picked up from a random Sunday league team to give it a try.

And despite being completely outmatched, Ipswich found a way to absolutely body the $130M man himself, Wirtz, who looked like an absolute lost puppy yet again. Let's face it, he is not physical enough for the Prem, absolute FLOP of a signing who I imagine finds his way back to the Bundesliga on discount before too long. May be time to auto captain anyone going against Ipswich moving forward.

Great RT from Niall^^😂

Newcastle (2) vs. Bournemouth (2)

Are we surprised Drawcastle is indeed drawcastling? I for one am not. But it could have been a whoooole lot worse for them after an early Tavernier goal and Thiaw OG had them down 2-0. All hope seemed lost, until an absolute worldie of a goal from one man, none other than...

Mr. Harvey Barnes himself. Take a look for yourself! Looked a bit like a certain Mr. Julian Alvarez I will say. 

This goal sparked the comeback down 2 from the most dangerous lead. Then who else but Ramsey to secure the point with some late game heroics? I gotta say, I like the fight I'm seeing out of Newcastle. The talent may be less (as Anthony Gordan continues to cook for Barca), but at least you know the team won't quit no matter who they are playing.

Brentford (1) vs. Sunderland (1)

It appears Tottenham were just in fact bad when losing 3-0 to Brentford, as the Bees 🐝 have returned back to being a pesky but mid team. 1 goal a piece to settle this one, goals from Janelt and Le Fee as Igor Thiago continues to blank in league play. Better days ahead for the man who was going toe to toe with Haaland on goals last season? Time will tell!

Brighton (1) vs. Leeds (1)

Maaaan what is with these Leeds games where DCL doesn't score??????? Another mid off to follow up the prior mid off as Vuskovic and Bogle each notched a goal to settle it at a 1 point a piece. Both teams sit top 10 however, juuuust ahead of Man U!😂😂😂

Fulham (2) vs. Crystal Palace (3)

Crystal Palace finally showing signs of life with their first W as Fulham take their third L in a row in the Arbeloa  (you may recall him as the man who lost to Albacete with Real Madrid😂) era. High scoring match with goals from King and Palacios, a random BRACE from Tyrick Mitchell (anyone play him?) and goal from Chilwell to settle it 3-2.

Man City (1) vs. Coventry (0)

No surprises to see Man City get the W here, but Haaland captainers and TC'ers are left wanting more after a one goal showing (considering witnessing a Bruno hatty on a newly promoted team last week). All in all though, we are grateful for him not blanking in what a popular chip play for the first half of the season. 27 point return on the TC, not terrible in the grand scheme of things I suppose! What a header from Haaland as well, there are truly levels to this 🦈 

Nottingham Forest (0) vs. Tottenham (0)

SPURS HAVE DONE IT!!!! THEY'VE SECURED THEIR FIRST POINT OF THE SEASON!!! 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

$300M+ already paying off as Tottenham are FLYING at 17th place (tied with Villa) and are sitting comfortably atop the relegation danger zone with a respectable -5 GD. What a debut for Mudryk as well, hasn't lost a step.

Can they keep this positive momentum up through the rest of the season, we shall see. For now, Spurs fans rejoice! Well earned holiday celebrations for London's finest. Let's see how the Tottenham fans are reacting to this momentous occasion in the chat...hmmm..hold on...guys? 

We'll try again next week I guess 🤭

Hull City (0) vs. Aston Villa (0)

Once, a fluke. Twice, lucky. Three times??? And we gotta start asking some questions, does Hull have one of the best defenses in the league??? Three consecutive shut outs to go into THIRD PLACE after 3 games with a +3 GD having played two CL teams already. Hull has quickly become the people's team, and I'm very excited to see how long this run of form can last. In terms of league play...who else but Chelsea to be next on the Getting Mauled by Tigers 🐅 list!

Man United (2) vs. Everton (2)

Imagine...Niall wakes up on his birthday to watch his favorite team play. A sleepy first half closes at 0 a piece, but Man U seem to be building up some momentum. A motivating half time speech ensues, Carrick has the boys buzzing after timidly whispering "let's go guys" under his breath and starting an offbeat slow clap that only half the team joins in on.

Man U come screaming out the gates on the back of class finish from Mbuemo. They hold the result up until the last 10min when tragedy strikes. Everton equalize on a missile from George on a Grealish assist, and the birthday W hope comes crashing down 😔. Niall and the Man U boys need a hero, and need him badly. Enter the man, the myth, Mr. Benjamin Sesko

A masterful header off an overlapping Luke Shaw cross in the 88th min to SURELY WIN IT!!! HAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NIALL, HAAAAAPPY BIRTHDAY TO NIALL, HAAAAPPY BIRTHDAAAAY TO NIIIIIIAAAALLLL🥳🥳🥳...and stoppage time is juuuust about done...the birds are leaving the bath aaaaand.....ref is surely gonna blow the whistle....aaaaaaaand...oh no...oh dear god....not like this!!! In the last kick of the game...surely not!!! 😱😱😱😱😱

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂!!

Back to square one! What an absolute worldie from..checks notes..Ashley Gaitland-Niles...you really can't make this stuff up. 2-2 in what should have been 3 points to Man U as they drop to 11th. Everton sit at 8th looking to make an early case for Europe next season. Another unfamiliar feeling for Man U - they actually have some Champions League football incoming, can they bounce back, or is the wind taken from their sails?

Arsenal (2) vs. Chelsea (1)

And last but certainly not least...the MHGOTW...the saltiest match of the season far🧂🧂🧂 none other than Arsenal vs. Chelsea

What started off amazing for Chelsea after a solid strike from new signing Morgan Rogers in the 2nd minute quickly turned into a slow constricting death at the hands of Arsenal, fighting back to bag 2 goals courtesy of Havertz (ouch) and Odegaard to secure the full 3 for the Prem's biggest Villians.

As expected, the story of the game was not the goals (despite a class dummy from Havertz), or that Gyokeres cannot dribble to save his life, but instead the same topic as last year: A one way whistle 😱. Now look, I'm not here to say Arsenal have a bad team, but let's take a look at the below video and you tell me, does a direct kick to face warrant a red card that would have drastically altered the game?

Past precedent would surely say so, take it from me!

If only Gabriel made that kind of contact with the ball when he took that penalty to lose Arsenal the CL final, woulda gone straight in! Maybe it is karma on Dibu for making a mockery of the Golden Glove? But one thing is for sure...someone wants to make a point to dap up the refs.

Let's also acknowledge Konsa supplexing Rogers in the lead up to the game winner - nothing to see here, nothing to see at all!

Anyways, it seems teams will once again be facing not only Arsenal, but also the stripes 🦓 to get results this season. I will acknowledge that Arsenal leans into the Villain role well, and fair-weather fans only add fuel to the flames 🔥. Should be another season of hate watching and drama, and many prayers on Arsenal's downfall 🙏 

And that'll do it for the games this week, big cup and CL games incoming for many teams (just not Tottenham or Chelsea) as well! Now let's get to our....

Galaxy Brain Plays of the Week 🌌🧠

• 1) Gakpo players, a strong 11 from the lad who seems to be the Liverpool points heir with Salah's departure.

• 2) Isak players + captainers, picking on the easy target and bagging a brace to lock in 26 pts on the captain (13 regular). Ipswich is free points.

• 3) Guehi, Gvardiol, and Haaland truthers - Haaland proved the better play over Blanko Fernandes this week, and a solid showing for Mr. Guehi as well. The Tiple captainers however I cannot call a galaxy play, should have yielded more!

• 4) Mbuemo and Odegaard players, nice hauls from the lads

Boneheaded Plays of the Week 🍖 

• 1) A certain someone (more on this later) ripping a Cole Palmer captain against Arsenal

• 2) Beef AND BEBZ's triple Newcastle play of Wissa, Elanga, and Dedic netting a 3 whole points 😂 

• 3) Joao Pedro and Bruno truthers down baaaaaad this week

Now, let's take a look at top and bottom dawg for the week shall we? 🧐 

Top Dawg ⬆️🐶

Ricardo Caliente - 72 pts

Welp, this one hurts as Milliesbrough F.C. misses out on top dawg by 1 point. But credit where credit is due Timo put together the best team this week to set himself into 3rd place overall thanks to a solid haul from Odegaard (10) and a Haaland TC (27). Throw in a Gvardiol 8, Kinsy??? 6, and Rogers and Semenyo 6s as well and there you have it. Take a bow, lad! Can't wait to hear from you again when things are strictly going well for Arsenal!

Looking at the FPL table...looks like Sal and Timo are now 3rd and 4th now..🤔 Veeeeery interesting..

Bottom Dawg ⬇️🦮

Kooks FC - 32 pts 💩 

Something smells MUUUUUUUUUUSTY! 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢 And it's coming directly from non other than Vance and Kooks FC. The man went all in on Chelsea and paid the price. Captain Cole and VC JP with a total of 3 points combined. Only Rogers and Guehi put up anything notable in what is surely one of the worst weeks of the season. Better luck for you and the Blues next week!!