Welcome back Alea and gents… how are we? Been a minute since I spoke to y’all from the control room. Now I know, I’ve said many of times I would never do this again. That I served my time and that was enough. And as I sit here staring at the blank canvas in front of me, with the deadline breathing down my neck once again, I start to question why I even agreed to this in the first place. But when the Cummish comes knocking… and Manchester United comes to play… well…Should we? 🤭
I don’t cover every game, only the ones I deem the most important/relevant. Where should we start? Maybe West Ham v Sunderland? I think we can give a quick shoutout to Alea and her hammers. 2 wins in a row (3 if we count the FA cup) 😮 And Sunderland is no easy fixture these days. Is Nuno still the coach over there? I guess that just shows you how little I follow West Ham. Anyways, 18th only 6 points from escaping relegation… can Alea’s hammers pull this off?
Next I think we’ll check out what Salih’s Spurs are up to. Burnley v Tottenham. One would think this would be a straightforward fixture for the mighty Spurs. 4th in the Champions League 😳😳😳 And they say the PL is weak… how you figure that? CL fell off the past couple of years, but y’all aint’ ready for that conversation yet. Anyways back to the mighty Spurs. 19th place Burnley should be a walk in the park for a top Champions League team, you’d think. But this is fuckin Tottneham Hotspur we’re talkin about! Big Frank would need a stoppage time goal from Cuti just to take a point from Burnley. YIKES! But that’s been the story all year for Tottenham. Well most of the year… there was a time (August 16th, 2025) when Spurs fans actually showed up in the chat and thot their team was good. Mr. Diffley (and Beef) actually rated Spurs back then (Warra ball knowledge). I think that was back when Salih was still in this group chat… did he leave? Spurs will do that to ya. Anyways… 2-2 against a terrible Burnley side, stinky stinky stinky.
And while we’re on the topic of Stinky 😏😏😏 How about Bournemouth v Liverpoo? Massive fixture for Mike and Stephen’s favorite club. Tho the Cherries away is no easy fixture. And boy it didn’t start off too well for the Henkhaus boys. 0-2. Slot’s boys actually prefer to play from behind, it’s a mentality ting… you wouldn’t get it. Van Disney was able to rescue a goal before the half. Still, a huge task at hand to come from behind and rescue 3 points in a heated race for 4th. Thankfully for Liverpool fans, they’ve got mf Arne Slot. A tactical genius. The message was simple. Get the ball to our best player. No… not Wirtz, close tho. Similar output, but this guy has actually produced against a few good teams this year.
Fast forward and Mike’s one true love hits an absolutely sublime free kick (go figure) from outside the 18 to give Mike and Stephen hope that Liverpool can rally the troops. This is MF Liverpool we’re fuckin talkin about. THE mentality monsters. Remember when your ex mans coined that. Back in the “Golden Era”.
Sorry guys, didn’t mean to trigger anyone with those words. I know members of chat don’t appreciate that phrase. We have fun here. Speaking of… we’re actually getting to the really fun part now. Anyways final minute of extra time… game is basically over… couldn’t pull off the full comeback, but hey… at least they got a point. Right?... Right guys? You saw it through… didn’t you Mike? Stephen? Guys?
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They thot they had rescued a point 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
3-2 TO THE CHERRIES. INJECT THAT IN MY VEINS. OFF A THROW IN NONETHELESS 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Oh man. I forgot how fun it was to write these and laugh at Liverpool. Is Slot’s time at Liverpool finally coming to a close? Liverpool fans have taken to the streets to express their grievances with that bald manager. I always knew that meme would eventually come in handy, been savin it for an occasion like this. After last season, I began to wonder if I’d ever get to take it off the shelf. But as they say, “patience is a virtue” and here we are. Fuck Liverpool. HAHAHA Love seeing them lose. Well deserved I must say. On to the next!
Eh. I guess we’ll talk about em. Chelsea v Crystal Palace. You could not pay me to talk nicely about Chelsea… and you certainly won’t ever catch me sympathizing over a rival like some others in here. Was not the hate watch I was hoping it might be. But as Logan bird informed me at cookbook club, Chelsea haven’t lost to Palace in like 15 games? Was that what you said lil bird? Sheesh… if that was any indication. Decent win, kept the boys in the thick of things. Moving on!
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Couldn’t even manage a goal against Villa???? LMAOOOOOO could not be my favorite team, lemme tell ya. Alright alright alright, I joke. It wasn’t that funny. I mean I certainly do get a kick out of Beef sending a picture of Newcastle’s upcoming fixtures and him assuming they’ll win every game (does he know?) and then we get to see it all play out and watch them lose (apparently he doesn’t). Newcastle are pretty mid. Not quite stinky, we’ll save that for Tottenham, but they’re not v good either. You know it’s unfortunate they don’t make the same type of memes for Newcastle like they do for some of our other fav clubs. Maybe cuz no one really takes Newcastle seriously? Probably. Anyways this is the only meme that I have… oldie, but still a goodie.
NEXT! Oh… we’ve saved the best for last 😏 The MHGOTW. My beloved Manchester United v Arsenal. Listen… don’t get me wrong. I love shit talking. Banter is what has made this league into what it is today imo. But my god… the way Scott be talkin is CRAZYYYYYYYYY. I thot Mike and Stephen were bad last season… this fella is unbearable (love you Scott 😘). You’d think that Arsenal have never bottled a huge lead before the way Scott be chattin. Ya know… good for you. It will only make the summer that much sweeter when we come for ya and best believe we will be comin. Do not run. Do not run. I will say, I fear that Timo will prolly get the worst of it and he hasn’t even been half as bad as you Scott. Not that he won’t deserve it too. Anyways… back to the game. Scott, as he does, was talkin mad shit about how Arsenal was gonna wreck Man U at the Library. So much so, he thot we’d be feeding families with Frostys for dayzzzzz.
Didn’t start off great for my beloved red devils. OG from Lisandro. Think Maclane said it best, straight Cheese. And that’s another thing I’ll touch on real quick. It’d be one thing if Arsenal were playin MFs out the park week in and week out. That would at least be something I could respect. But no. They score like the worst fucking goals. Most of their goals come from free kicks or corners, straight terrorist ball. Back to the game, Timo was feelin himself. 1-0 lead, like most Arsenal fans thot the game was already over. NOT SO FAST. “Zubi Zubi Doo, where are you, we need some help from you now.” What a through ball. He’s sooooooooo good. ‘SIGNING OF THE SUMMER” That’s what they said. 1-1 at half. But we was just gettin started… beginning of second half? Dorgu, Fernandes. Dorgu, Fernandes. Dorgu again.
DORGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. What a goal. An absolute banger of a goal. Imagine scoring actual good goals? Scott and Timo could never. The Library got awfully quiet… shocker! Fast forward, Arsenal would score another fucking ASS goal, off you guessed it… another corner. Shameless that lot. But hey, that’s just who they are. Was disappointed, gotta admit. I know Arsenal fans thot they dominated that game, but those of us watching with our EYES and BRAIN turned ON saw that it was actually Man U who had been the more dominant side. But the games are 90+ minutes for a reason (just like seasons are 38 games, right Scott?). I personally thot it was funny when Timo sent the Mr. Krabs violin meme and as he did CUNHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Another BANGER of a goal. Not some slop kick in from crowding the box on a corner. Or an own goal. No… actual quality football. And the bottlers have bottled AGAIN.
But the game wasn’t finished. Still time left on the clock. What could Arsenal possibly draw up?
Scott and Timo wake up and go, “I can’t wait to watch my favorite team re-enact the human centipede today.” Shambolic. Disgusting. Makes ya want to throw up. But alas the final whistle blows and Arsenal lose at home. WOMP WOMP. I love it and I think I deserve it. Can’t wait to see how you guys bottle this.
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU! And how about my favorite club… are we fucking back??? I don’t want to get too ahead of myself (but I will)...
Eh eh. We’ve done it before. Would be something tho! Anyways, this is getting super long. Time to wrap it up with our notable matchweek performances…
Antonyd for speed aka Mike Powers - Man U win and I get to glaze the fuck out of Powers, yes please 🤭 62 points stood out amongst the bunch this week. Let’s see what the magician was cooking with… Picks in goal. Love that pick. Been rocking with Picks all year myself, Powers is a genius. In the back we saw Andersen with 8 points, sensei with 3 and Tarkowski with 4. No duds so far, I guess that’s why he’s the top dawg, eh? But it’s the midfield picks where we really see how big and unmatched Mike’s brain truly is. Wilson 10, Cunha 9, and Roger 8???
Okay maybe he do miss, Haaland captain is unfortunate, but can you blame him? The second you remove that captain armband from Haaland is the day he scores 10. I can’t fault Mike with this pick. But as Roldan once said...
You can see Powers was considering something far more genius. Cheeky lil vice captain on bowen who went on to get 12. Could you imagine? If you’re having troubles understanding the words I’m saying cuz I’ve got something jammed down my throat… you wouldn’t be able to hear anything if he had done the unthinkable. 62 points and rightfully this week’s top dawg. Love ya Powers ❤️
Club de Cuervos aka Luis Rodriguez - Luissssssssssssssssss. Been a minute, how are ya? By the looks of it, been better. 26 points huh? Wasn’t your week.
Yikes 😂 I’m sorry man, this is pretty bad. DUDS…. DUDS EVERYWHERE! I think you owe Enzo and Tarkowski some favors after they saved you from possibly the worst fielded team to ever grace the league. One thing that stands out to me, you too thot that Arsenal would give Man U the business. Well I guess it’s only fitting that you’re the bottom dawg. I’m just kidding, any other week these players have been going off. You are in 3rd place for a reason. You didn’t ask for it, but as someone below you in the table, lemme give ya a few pointers. As previously stated I’m much more of a Picks guy than Kelleher. I think it stems from my hate for Liverpool, unsure tho. Next, Porro? The best time to drop him was 4 weeks ago. The next best time to drop him is today. Other than that, I can’t really shit too much on this team, kinda looks like every other bitch. Way she goes. Do better next time Luis!!
And that’ll do it. Woof. Glad this is over. I think it’s safe to say I won’t be doing this again. Was fun, but I’m exhausted. Hope you all have a great week. Enjoy the games, set those lineups and don’t forget to get your banter in. Love you all ❤️
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