Awwwww yeah! WE. ARE. SO. BACK! And what a craaaaazy week 1 to kick off what is sure to be an absolute WILD year in the Prem. First things first, everyone give yourself a big hand for absolutely SMASHING the league high in teams registered🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉👏👏👏👏👏

All in all, after #botgate 🤖 settled, we've netted out to 47 teams this season. For more information on prizes and punishments, please head on down to the League Rules section. This is the biggest year ever! As we said before, welcome to the many new faces and the faces of old, I, your humble Commish, am here for you for 38 gameweeks to provide weekly recaps and countless midday Whatsapp messages (mostly the Penguin gif). All I ask in return, is for you to like, subscribe, turn on notifications, and drop a funny lil comment on who your favorite FPL YouTuber or Subreddit is that helps set your line ups! 🧐 

Anyways, I gotta say, what I treat I have been given this week to commentate on some absolutely atrocious performances to start the year (more on this later). Without further ado, THIS IS...THE Gameweek 1 RECAP!!😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

Week in Review

Arsenal (3) vs. Coventry (0)

Okay okay, everyone chill, it's just Coventry. But I will say this + the Community Shield have the league on repeat notice so far if Arsenal can remain healthy. This team has upgraded Trossard to new signing Tzolis (at quite the bargain I will say), who is looking like a Greek Kvara at the moment and someone who can actually dribble at defenders instead of inch closely to the corner of the 18 and play diagonal passes to forwards trying to flop for pens. Also pretty hilarious he immediately discredited the theory that players need a lot of time to adapt to the Prem (cough cough Wirtz and Frimpong). No form lost from last season, and a clean 3-0 to get things off on the right foot. Tough welcome to the Prem for Coventry who will be happy to get this one out of their system.

Let's take a look through the eyes of an Arsenal fan for a minute shall we?

Someone please put a stop to this (except let Tzolis cook in FPL though). 🤦‍♂️ 

Rumors are also brewing in the final few days of the transfer window, surely they won't drop $150M on Julian Alvarez to shock the footballing world...right? No matter what happens, it seems Arsenal at least have some competence up top with Havertz, and this title defense has a much stronger base than whatever the hell Liverpool tried to do last season. Will they fly too close to sun and burn out early in this title defense? Time will tell.

Hull (2) vs. Man United (0)

Speaking of newly promoted teams getting absolutely trounced by top 3 teams from last year, let's take a look into the Tiger's den with Big Man U and Full Time Carrick coming to town..and...omg...surely...no way....surely not....it can't be can it...

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯

MAN U FUCKING SUUUUUUUCK ALREADY!!!! YOU'RE GETTING MAULED BY THE TIGERS, YOU'RE GETTING MAULED BY THE TIGERS, YOU'RE GETTING MAULED BY THE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGERS!!!🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐯🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅🐅😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Warra Mauling by the Tigers. Warra title push. Warra frosty bet from Jake. For how ass Man U and their 2022 back line looked, I gotta say, the Tigers looked GRRRRRRRREAT!😀🐯 As 30 year old Oli McBurney absolutely desecrated Man U's midfield. Getting 2 piece by Hull in the opener after claims of #21 is hilarious, and what a generational post from the Hull social team here

The Tigers did something almost impossible, they Fetty Wapped the shit out of Man U!

Yeaaaa baby! And what an absolutely iconic chant 🐅 

I am genuinely starting to believe we may never see Man U win 5 in a row again lol. Gonna be a hard game to bounce back from, and if they drop points to Ipswich this weekend👀👀👀👀....😂😂😂😂😂😂 

Everton (2) vs. Crystal Palace (0)

Solid start to the year for Everton against a weakened Crystal Palace. Idk why I ever doubted Pickford and switched in Roefs...RIP. Both Dewsbury Hall and Barry seem like solid FPL plays building off their seasons last year. Shout out to Calvary for holding it down for Everton.

Ipswich (2) vs. Sunderland (1)

Don't mind me, just big braining a triple Sunderland play to lock in a triple clean sheet aaaaaand...gosh dangit...oh noooo...Ipswich have some bite to em 🪦. You wouldn't know it from watching them this game, but Sunderland were a top 7 team last year. But they saw ghosts of the EFL Championship from two years past a took quite the L to Ipswich who I must say came into this game ready for war. A stoppage time dagger from Clarke settled this one as Enciso and Emersson shined bright as well. What an assist from Enciso.

Nottingham Forest (0) vs. Leeds (1)

Leeds could be fairly solid this year, good start to the season for them thanks to NOT DCL, but Stach. Laaaaaame. Leeds got em on the run back in the Carabao Cup too. Tough time to be a Forest fan (I assume)

Brentford (3) vs. Spurs (0)

I can't tell if Brentford are amazing, Spurs are complete ass, or both. But hilarious it only took 12min to hear one big collective yet silent sigh from the Spurs faithful😂😂😂 Absolutely love the shithousery from Lewis Potter as Tottenham picks up right where they left off.

But hey, at least Spurs bounced back in the Carabao Cup. I think they will find their footing after an early stumble as the new squad begins to gel, Savinho already showing some signs of life! Even though it's just Charlton, this is how you bounce back! De Zerbi in!

Brighton (4) vs. Aston Villa (0)

Absolute DOMINATION from Brighton courtesy of Hinshel-Laying-Down-Tha- Wood 🪵 getting a brace. Throw in a washed Lindelof OG and De Cuyper goal and there you have it. Let it not be lost that Villa has spent some serious money this transfer season to try and stay competitive for the CL, but it seems they'll have to get through some serious growing pains first. Can Garnacho, Ruggeri, and $65M Nicolas Jackson save their season??

In the meantime, Brighton have the league on notice as they currently own the top spot in the league on GD. 🦢🦢🦢

Man City (2) vs. Bournemouth (1)

After missing a sitter, Marc Guehi played hero as he and Gvardiol led Man City to a close W a great start to the league over Bournemouth. But the biggest story line of the day was...did Haaland lose his powers when his lost his hair??? Time will tell, but a blank to start the year is a baaaad sign.

Drawcastle (2) vs. Liverpool (2) - MHGOTW

I gotta say, I think I simultaneously underestimated Newcastle, and overestimated Liverpool's ability to put together a cohesive team. What an absolute eye sore that ended with Liverpool getting bailed out by a pen to salvage what should have been a big ol L to start the year.

I think it's been enough time...can we finally admit that maybe Wirtz, Frimpong, Isak, and Kerkez are the most overrated transfers in modern Premier league history? 🤷 What an absolute disaster. Liverpool have big problems ahead with that back line as well, who I honestly think in my injured state I could out run. And even if I couldn't, I'm sure about 100 players in the prem can, especially Elanga! Gonna be a wonderful season for the birds, I can feel it. 

At least Mike got to see gigachad Szobozlai penmog Newcastle at the end, with quite a well struck pen to silence the haters 🤫. 2-2 in an epic mid off to start the season.

How about a lil bonus content for Newcastle? Helluva comeback win against West Brom in a 5 goal thriller!

Fulham (2) vs. Chelsea (3)

Excellent display of football in the LDGOTW featuring two former Real Madrid coaches. Dare I say...is it the return of the Purple Patch king? 👀 

That's right! Cole Palmer 🥶 is sliding back into FPL relevance. And Joao Pedro is looking very well rested as well from their World Cup snubs. Solid game all around, but the Blues got the better of them. Wonderful start for new signing Morgan Rogers as well. Sometime you just have to take the pressure of European football out of the equation to start seeing some results! 🤷 

And now...introducing...a new series (coined by our very own Mike Powers)...it's....

To Catch a Redditor

Now as we all know, this league very much frowns upon the use of AI, FPL YouTubers/Influencers, and guides to plagiarize line up decisions and chip plays. Now look, I'm all for due process here (Antoine is doing his due diligence as we speak), but we deeeefinitely had some veeeery suspicious plays to kick off week one, let's take a deeper look shall we?

First, Timo, my old friend who may I add (with the help of a mystery league member) once tried to bribe me and Niall at a party to give him players in an FPL draft league in exchange for $, why don't you have a seat and explain to us that Sangare play hmmm??? Go on, camera is rolling...

Veeeeery suspicious, Mr. Timo...veeeery suspicious 🤔 

While this was questionable, it was not nearly as damning as the Bench Boost 3. A notorious syndicate of users who swear they read in passing (deeefinitely not on r/FPL) that it's a good play for week 1 (Scott), mention that they "have a man on the inside" (former dead middle Newcastle Award winner. Roy), or remain silent with notifications muted, hoping to not draw attention to their sinister plays (David). Go on lads, why don't you just have a seat and explain what went on here..hmmmm...not...very...convincing! Tell it the judge. Get em Antoine!!

Oh no, not again Mr. Toine! This investigation may take longer than I thought!

Woah woah woah guys, chill guys, chill, relaaaaaax, no need to get so defensive! The investigation has only just begun!🕵️‍♂️

Stay tuned for further editions as things really heat up for the title race. And why are Sean Joseph, Gian, and Rasmus all sweating so hard after naming their team's Sean's Team, Gian's Team, and Rasmus' Team?...seems like someone is trying to fly under the Reddit radar, hiding in plain site as they push for a title charge. And why is r/Salih so quiet all of a sudden? Everyone is a suspect!!!🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐🧐 And oh so I guess we all just knew to put Ndiaye on our team, oh really guys?? Really? The power of Ndiaye compels you guys??

Seems the only one you can trust this season is our bottom dawg (more on this soon)! But first, it's time for our very first Top Dawg of the season!!!

Top Dawg ⬆️🐶

Tottenham Totans - 72pts

While Tottenham had quite the unfortunate start to the season, what a week one from Mr. Diffley!! Playing Gakpo somehow paid off to get 12, Joao Pedro scored in the first minute of the season to give him 11, and Ndiaye and Szoboszlai were cookin. Throw in a 9 from Gvardiol and 6s from Tarky and Raya, and this is quite the solid line up. Only miss was benching Calafiori, but who's complaining when you're the top dawg, take a bow lad!

Bottom...Dawgs? ⬇️🦮🦮🦮

Milliesbrough, HenkDad, Team Rasmus - 35 pts 💩 

This is going to upset some of you "back in my day"ers but there were in fact three veeeeeeery bad dawgs this week, and I gotta take this one on the chin as well as Henkdad, me, and newcomer Rasmus all put up 35 point duds. Sometimes, you just gotta triple up on Man U and Sunderland and get absolutely destroyed. Absolutely not the way I drew it up. Henkdad managed to captain a 0 thanks to a missed Pen from Igor Thiago, and Rasmus had to start zero minutes Al-Hamadi. Alas, behold, our stinkiest line ups of the week!