Well well well...if it isn't the olllll weekly article after a loooong international break special. Absolute DOMINATION from the USA to build up some steam heading into the 2026 World Cup on home soil...aaaand oh wait..just a little late there guys. And can we get my boy Johnny some minutes in the stars and stripes? Come on man. But at least this Cavan Sullivan may be the next Pulisic and by the transitive property of congruence the next Messi, LET'S GOOOOOO!🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

But enough about international, let's see how things are going with the Prem, surely nothing controversial that shocked the league to its core happened right before the long break right?

Before we get into the gameweek, I hope everyone had some nice time to reflect on the first month of FPL, and strategize how the next 33 game weeks will play out. This season is already looking muuuuuch closer than last thank goodness. So what the heck, let's take a look at our current top 5 shall we? 🤔 

TOP 5:

1. Who - Kevans, a slightly comfortable gap of 36 pts to take the top spot so far. 395 total, not bad not bad at all! 🔥🔥🔥

2. Tottenham Titans - Jonathan D, Mr Diffley has put together quite the solid campaign so far, sitting at 359 over 5 weeks.

3. Ricardo Caliente - Timo himself. 357 as Timo looks to launch a title campaign.

4. No Sqwirtz - Mr. Former Cummish Oliver! Looks like all that time back has him locked in on FPL. 352 points!

5. Cole Palmer on Ice - Gus G holding down the 5 spot juuuust barely edging out his pal Sal who sits just 1 pt back at 344. It truly is anyone's game!

The Joe Henderson Award Favorite (so far)

Sitting dead middle at 24th, we have Rasmus on alphabetical order at 311 points. Cullen also is sitting at 311 points alongside last year's champ Beef, just 2 back on cup winners of last year Milliesbrough. Loooootta games left to get that coveted 1/1 card!

The Relegation Zone (At risk of buying a jersey or funding the cup trophy)

45. Newcomer Cunha Matata, aka Mr. Andrew S, pleeenty of time to turn this ship around!

46. Kooks FC - no newbie excuse here, get your act together Vance!

47. Mr. Colin Kurtz - scary hours already for another newbie trying to claw his way out of the depths. What's most impressive here is Roldan is actually sitting comfortably at 38th to start the year, nicely done sir! 🫡 

Now that we've had our lil standings snapshot, time to recap GW5, let's see where we left off before the break..THIS IS....THE GAMEWEEK 5 RECAP!😈😈😈😈

Week in Review

Brentford (3) vs. Chelsea (0)

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🫣🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

I lowkey forgot a Danny Welbeck up top Chelsea got three pieced by the Bees before the break. Get em Irving!! And nice to see ya again Igor Thiago! Goals from Anthony and Carvalho as well. Absolute destruction of Blue Tottenham, hey wait...didn't Tottenham get three pieced by the bees too??🐝🐝🐝🐝

No Europe for Chelsea, and yet they can barely crack top 10! Better days ahead? Or is Xabi Alonso as bad of a coach as Real Madrid says he is? Either way, Chelsea hasn't beaten the Banter Era allegations yet.

Tottenham (2) vs. Aston Villa (3)

Another week, another L for Tottenham 🤦‍♂️. Who legitimately sit bottom of the table after 5 games. I find myself at a bit of a loss here on how to describe how ass Tottenham are. This is remarkable. We may be seeing them and Man City in the EFL Championship next season at this rate. Props to Villa for snagging their first W of the season. Villa also blew a 3-0 lead, but was too insurmountable. And is that Nicolas Jackson making the scoresheet? wild times.

Brighton (3) vs. Arsenal (0)

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO😂😂😂😂😂😂 GET IIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN GET INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN GET INNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! YOU'RE GETTIN PECKED BY THE SEAGULLS!!!

GET INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

OMG I LOWKEY FORGOT ABOUT THIS ONE TOOOOO!! This Man City scandal and international break really couldn't have happened at a better time for our Title defenders and Chelsea, absolutely SHAMBOLIC from the weakest title defenders since Liverpool last year

I've just received a photo of Timo at the moment Andres bagged the third goal. Chin up lad! Lotta season left to bounce back!

Is this a fluke, or the start of an epic downfall on par with what we saw from Liverpool last season where they lost like 19 games? I know what most of us are praying for👀🙏🙏🙏

Everton (1) vs. Ipswich (0)

Okay Everton I see you, sneaking into top 8 with some solid results, winning games they should win. Goal from Barry on a Tarky assist. Clean sheet for Pickford, the world keeps turning.

Newcastle (2) vs. Hull (1)

Well I went into this as we all did (minus Beef) expecting a mauling, but all we got was this 🥺🐯

The dream start was bound to slow down, just didn't think it'd be Newcastle to be the one to do it. Better days ahead for Tigers, as Harvey Barnes was out dishing dimes to Willock and Lewis Hall. Solid W for Newcastle who now sit top 10, with Hull slotted at 8th. Good W for the Toon

Nottingham Forest (0) vs. Coventry (1)

Okay Coventry, nice W nice W. Officially more Ws than Tottenham AND Fulham on the season. Dasilva breaking the tie to get the full 3.

Bournemouth (0) vs. Liverpool (1)

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame ass game 🥱 but Liverpool pull out the W on a Midsak goal and an assist from the Cardio King himself. Pretty big snoozefest up until the 57th. Isak seems to be building a bit of confidence now with his better counterpart Ekitike out. The $170M investment is starting to pay itself off slowwwwly but surely. Surely Barcola will do something soon

Leeds (0) vs. Crystal Palace (0)

Absolute SNOOZEFEST.....why why whyyyyyyy did I captain DCL??

Man City (5) vs. Sunderland (3)

Opposite of the Leeds game, an absolute GOAL FEST to send Man City off into the International break. Spirits were high as new signing Enzo opened the scoring. Goals from red hot Cherki, a Semenyo brace (bless), and who else but Haaland to overpower a Brobbey hatty. As City prepped for the international break, the news they were dreading that shook the footballing and geopolitical world broke..

The verdict has finally come down, but the punishment remains uncertain. What punishment is equal to decades of fraud and stolen games/titles? What becomes of Pep's legacy for a man who was largely considered the greatest modern manager? Was Arteta the brains behind the syndicate during his time there? 🧐 And if so, should Arsenal be forced to forfeit their runner up medals from last year's champions league and premier league mickey mouse title? Will Everton get docked points for this?

But seriously, it will be very interesting to see the fallout from all of this. We kinda knew they were guilty, but the extent in which they cheated and how they did it is pretty damning. And did the players from the big transfer window know about this? Surely not right?

And it's not just the footballing world that may see an impact from all this. As the UAE government has threated to pull UK investment depending on the punishment. A lot to unpack here. And how would things have been different if City didn't win their titles? No use looking back in the past, but could have been a different history for Man U who are still chasing their first title since 2012-2013

Tough breaks for Pool and Man U boys.

Man United (1) vs. Fulham (1)

After a massive epic fail OG from Lisandro Martinez (ummm wrong goal dummy! 😂) all hope looked lost for Man U against winless Fulham. But thanks to some late game heroics from former Atleti 3rd string striker Cunha. The mid off ended dead even, Fulham still sit winless at 19th juuuust above Spursl. Meanwhile the Red Devils sit triumphantly at 12th place, sandwiched between Ipswich and Nottingham Forest...nicely done boys. Just the kind of momentum you need going into the Metropolitano where Atleti (3 consecutive Ws BTW including most recently against Real Madrid mind you) sit waiting to absolutely destroy them! I CAN'T WAIT!!!😈

Lee Kang In clinic loading 🔜 

Galaxy Brain Plays of the Week🌌🧠

• 1) Brian Brobbey players, what a hatty against Man City to bag 17 pts. I know at least Niall had him

• 2) Gross truthers, he can't keep getting away with this! 14 points!! He's going crazy

• 3) Semenyo and/or Cherki holders! There he is! A maaaassive 17 pts on a brace and an assist. Love to see it. Shout out Jake with the Semenyo + Cherki combo (16 to big Cherki too)

• 4) Lewis Hall players, coooookin at 13

• 5) Tarky players, 14 big ones as Everton lock in a clean sheet and he gets the assist + bonus

Top Dawg ⬆️🐶

Henkdad - 72 pts

Do my eyes deceive me? Is that bottom 4 Henkdad rising from the ashes to deliver an FPL masterclass? Take a bow, Henkdad! What a squad, with 14 pts from Tarky, 8 from Cherki, 17 from Semenyo, cashing in on a rare Wirtz contribution, and topping it off with an Isak captain to bag 16pts. Quite the week to get out of the relegation zone..for now!

Bottom Dawg ⬇️🦮

Monty's Pythons - 30 pts 💩 

Blimey, Poulton, what the bollocks am I looking at here??? A damn near full blank outside of Diop and Haaland with more 1s and 2s than the Mario Party 2 minigame Honeycomb Havoc. If I had to describe this performance, it would be the opposite of the legendary Triple Threat! Instead of Gamestop, Panda Express, and DQ, this would be like hitting a crowded Chuck E Cheese Arcade, Long John Silvers, and room temp Orange Julius. Just terrible stuff here Poulton I expect more of you lad!